And the Poisoned Apple Goes to….
***READ THE HUGE DISCLAIMER: Remember how back at the beginning I said I would watch the bad movies so you wouldn’t have to? Case in point: Grimm’s Snow White. All of the movies I’ve previously reviewed have had some sort of redeeming quality about them. This movie however, has none. It certainly doesn’t deserve to have the Grimm name in front of it; that’s for sure! It was just awful. That said, I’ve decided to show how terrible it was by doing a recap review. I’m laying out the whole plot, folks. So if you are of a mind to actually watch this film and don’t want to know what happens, turn back. All others, follow me if you dare.
Abandon All Expectations Ye Who Enter Here. You are now entering…The Spoiler Zone
FYI:This ain’t regular Snow White. This involves humans and elves and some sort of war over a green flame. And holy freakout Batman! There’s a giant lizard in this movie! Like a dragon but not and really, really badly animated. What’s with dragons/lizards showing up in period films? It’s all in the intro. Have at it.
The movie opens with Jane March (who is some sort of actress who has been in a few things–none of them things I’ve seen) wearing what’s supposed to be a mourning ensemble boo-hooing repeatedly muttering “it can’t be true!”. Turns out she’s rehearsing probably for something bad that she’s been planning all along. Also, her hat looks like something Princess Beatrice would like. She’s the evil queen! It’s confirmed when she does the mirror, mirror chant. She’s after the Flame, and it is apparently on the Prince’s land. Wouldn’t it be cool if the singer/songwriter Prince was in the movie? He’s not, but it would be cool, and the movie would be much improved. BTW, I have no idea what this green flame does or why people want it.
Cut to the woods. A youngish guy with nice stubble and even better posture is questioning a poacher from the Queen’s kingdom. Apparently there’s hostilities between the kingdoms and the our young dude is down to his last penny. He’s the Prince. And he’s decided the only way to have peace with the Queen (and bring his kingdom back to financial happiness) is a marriage.
On to the Queen’s castle! The Prince spies Snow White. She’s a blond Snow White which seems sort of wrong. Also she’s in a blue dress, so she looks more like an Alice. The Prince suggests a union of kingdoms to the Queen–not via Snow White, mind you. He’s proposing to the actual Queen. She acts all shocked at the presumption since the king is recently deceased. Very recently—his body is on display the throne room. Awkward.
The Prince also officially meets Snow and starts to give her the eye. Snow’s been at the convent for a long while, so she’s not getting the whole flirtatious eye thing. The Queen notices the interest of the Prince and gets all jealous. And then the mirror has to go open its big mouth and tell the Queen she’s now #2 on the hot list.
The Prince and Snow White run into each other in the garden later that evening. They chit-chat about the legend of the Mighty Luminary that can unite all creatures in harmony. Yes, all very strange. I know it’s important to the plot, but lord I am sooo boredand we aren’t even 15 minutes into this thing.
Snow and the Prince arrange a rendezvous at noon the next day. How unromantic. The Queen (wearing another crazy hat) tells Snow that she thinks she ought to go back to the convent as it’s for her own good. She then orders one of her men to kill Snow.
So into the woods we go, and there are 2 dudes with pointy ears (so they’re elves obviously) standing there. They don’t want to be seen and apparently have powers of invisibility…though to me it looks more like Scotty just beamed them up. Snow sees one of them and he witnesses the soldier try to kill Snow. Also, that giant Komodo dragon shows up and kills one of the soldiers. Did no one hear that thing as it tore through the forest? Did it tip-toe up to them?
One of the huntsmen survives the lizard attack and steals the heart out of one of his fallen comrades. He brings it back to the Queen who then feeds the heart to her bloodthirsty and obviously computer-animated hyena-dogs. Ew…
The Prince decides that he’ll now propose to Snow White. My how things change in just 24 hours! And so of course, how sad it is when he finds out Snow is supposedly dead. He’s taking it kind of rough. I mean, he’s staggering all over the place. Is he crying? He’s crying.
Snow is okay though. Those Star Fleet elves take her to some gypsy woman. She’s some sort of healer and sets to work reviving Snow. Let’s call her Doc. We also get to meet Orlando the elf. He doesn’t want Snow White in his house because she’s human and therefore a threat. I’m going to call him Grumpy.
So now the Queen thinks she will marry the Prince after all because she’s now supposedly the prettiest girl in the kingdom, and the Prince happens to be right there and that green flame is on his land….Also, she’s just figured out that the heart the huntsman brought her is not the heart of Snow White. Huntsman knows he’s in trouble and sends his son to run to the forest to save his own skin. I hope there’s more of the son. That would be an interesting development with story and character. Otherwise, it’s just a way for us to see that the huntsman isn’t all bad. The Queen’s hyena dogs eat him, btw. Poor man.
The Queen then sends a new toady to look for Snow. Her first place to search? The homes of the elves. Grumpy and Doc leave to warn their friends. One is left behind to watch Snow. He’s very sweet and a little slow, so he’s Dopey.
Snow finally wakes up and asks if she’s in Wonderland perchance. Oops no, wrong story. Sorry. She and Dopey have a chat. Snow doesn’t remember how she ended up in the strange house. Despite the fact that he’s supposed to be watching her, Dopey totally loses Snow who wanders out into the forest for no given reason.
The toadies report in to the Queen. Snow White is nowhere to found. The Queen orders one of her servants to release the hounds. Great….hyena-dogs all over the forest. That’s going to be messy.
Meanwhile Prince Mopey-pants is wandering the forest, alone and forlorn. He hears the hyena-dogs and finally starts to pay attention to his surroundings. Snow, meanwhile, has just found three hyena-dogs. Or maybe they found her?? Good timing on the Prince’s part because he’s able to distract them away from Snow. Now he’s cornered, but it’s okay because there’s a random earthquake that chases them off.
That’s no earthquake! That’s a gigantic Komodo dragon thing! Again, it wasn’t there just a second ago! Dopey finds Snow and they escape. The Prince is left to deal with the dragon. He manages to kill it which is pretty good for a day’s work. I hope there are more of those; otherwise, what’s the point?
The Prince finds the elves’ house and goes in thinking Snow is there. She is, but she’s hidden as the elves don’t know his motives. The Prince, meanwhile, reports back to the Queen that he’s seen Snow in the forest. Stupid, trusting boy.
Grumpy decides it’s time for that inevitable war with the Queen and sets off to ask permission from some Keeper folks to do something or other. It’s not clear, but they seem to be in charge of the elves. Meanwhile, Snow is off on her own mission which involves finding the Prince. Dopey volunteers to go with her.
The Keepers refuse Grumpy’s call to war—so that scene was pointless. Snow and Dopey sneak onto the castle grounds. She sees the Prince on a balcony but can’t get to him because the Queen is with him. The Queen’s guard chase Snow and Dopey through a hedge maze where the roses are white instead of red. Oops, sorry again.
Dopey gets caught, and the Queen gets him to spill the beans as to where Snow is hiding. Snow heads back to the elves’ house. They decide to go to the market the next day as the Queen’s lady’s maid (who is also an elf) will be there. They will try to make her a spy.
The Queen has her elf maid first create a poison ring and then transmogrify the Queen into a crone. Queen Crone approaches Snow at the market. She gives Snow the Ring of Power and down goes Snow. Really? No apple? Well this sucks.
The elves set Snow’s body out on some bales of hay. Another elf approaches with a torch. Cool, it’s a Jedi funeral. The Huntman’s son returns to the movie with something or other that belongs to Snow. I have no idea what it was. He gives the mystery item the Prince who realizes that Snow is indeed alive and needs his help. Maybe it was a note that said, “I’m not dead yet.”
The Prince arrives at the funeral just before the fire could get started. He goes to take the poison ring off of Snow and replaces it with the one he was going to give to her. She wakes up. No kiss either!?!! What kind of story is this?
No apple, no kiss, no glass coffin, no dwarves. But that’s okay because there are elves and pointless lizards and hyena-dogs. So it’s okay then. No, people, not okay! Never okay!
The Prince and the elves hatch a plan as people do in movies. Then he proposes to Snow who accepts and asks why a raven is like a writing desk. There’s that kiss!
The Prince meets up with the Queen pretending to still be engaged to her. The Queen plays along for like 10 seconds and then tells the Prince that she knows all about his plans and more or less calls him rebel scum.
The Prince and Dopey are now roomies in the dungeon. The Queen uses her feminine dark magic whiles on the Prince and bewitches him into falling for her. Meanwhile the Queen’s army of like twenty peoples is amassed. Twenty! Ha ha. This whole movie, people have spoken of this mighty army and it’s just twenty dudes. See the movie just for that one shot where she gazes upon her army and it’s twenty extras standing in the yard.
Orlando the Grumpy gives a St. Crispian’s Day speech and so the mighty few (seven or eight maybe?) elves and Snow march into battle. Is it really a battle with less than 30 people? Or is that more of a brawl?
Ha! It turns out the Queen hasn’t bewitched the Prince. He was just pretending so that while he was making out with her, he could steal the keys. Where was she keeping them? His hands were tied. Hmmm… The Prince then frees the rest of the dungeon (which as dungeons go, is very tidy and well-lit).
You know what? I kind of like Orlando. He’s my favorite character in the movie. He’s very hero-like and noble and cool, and he got to give a speech of sorts. Snow should totally marry him instead. BTW, I think I just saw a couple Ewoks sail through on vines. I bet they save the day. Okay, not Ewoks, but instead they are Dark Elves. Not sure what makes them Dark, but yeah, yeah. Too late go into that.
Prince and the Dungeon crew have shown up to do some damage. Remember that green flame everyone was fighting over back at the beginning of this thing? Yeah, me neither. Anyways, it’s back in the plot. The Queen has some folks making their way to steal it or put it out or something.
Also, the Prince has been potentially mortally wounded. It’s all done in slow motion with new age-type music playing, so we know this is serious and potentially detrimental to our band of heroes.
The rebels have to surrender because it’s written that way in the script. The Queen (crazy woman) is gonna marry the Prince by force. She really wants that green flame, but to get it, she has to marry him. This is stupid, but obviously, she’s going to still keep the whole thing nice and legal. Whatever.
Dopey was passed out during this time, and he comes to just in time to give Snow a sword.And it’s on! She cuts off the head of the Queen before the little wedding can be finalized. The Prince, meanwhile may or may not be dead. I think it’s safe to say he’s mostly dead. The elves circle around him and more new age music plays as a green light comes out of Snow White who kisses the Prince and HE’S ALIVE!!!
Now the sky is blue and everyone is happy and wearing white. That pesky green flame of which we never learned anything is still where it was. And they all lived happily ever after. The end…thank goodness!
Final thoughts: Bad, terrible, horrible, pointless movie. After all the cool things that have been done with the Snow White story be it Disney, Once Upon a Time, or even that Snow White: A Tale of Terror starring Sigourney Weaver, this version just missed the mark by many miles. Come on! This makes the dragon in the Robin Hood movie relevant. I’d say that if you absolutely must, just watch this movie with a bunch of friends and a few beers. You can all heckle it together and have a good time doing it. If you can find out the deal with the giant Komodo dragons, I’d like to know. It just ain’t good, folks. Misguided filmdom if there ever was.